Goodbye Mr Eye

It is tragic but true, the time to part company has come, and so soon. There are a few commitments still to be honoured, but I do not need this. No Mr Eye I do not want to be your friend, and I do not want my heart broken again.
I once again have been found lacking, I am only friend material, not good enough for a lover. I cannot really blame you, my sagging belly and cellulite are not what you expect or desire to see on a woman in her 20's. I have too many tattoos and peircings and I am a loud outspoken rude fool.
I have given up on men, or rather my ability to attract men. I am not what anyone is looking for, I am overweight and too smart and ambitious for my own good. The fact that I am fighting serious depression (which currently I am struggling to keep out of the realms of suicidal depression) and have been as long as I can remember certainly adds to my unattractiveness.
It is so hard wanting physical intimacy and love, I have so many friends but they cannot give me what I want so badly. It hurts me that it will never happen. All around me I see people making each other happy, loving each other, touching each other, enjoying each other and I am jealous and sad.
The final straw was spending a weekend with so much touching, so much staring into each others eyes and no recognition that this is not how friends behave. mi ma sick of men who have it all, me there desperately in love with them, willing ot sleep with them , providing them with emotional support and mental intimacy, while they are free to fuck who they want and pursue other better women.
I know even if I lost the weight it would make no difference, I have been thin before and still no lover, I ma just not what men want, any men. If only there was someone out there for me.
The only thing I have to look forward to is traveling again, and even then I was still depressed, just more distracted, less awareness of lovers and what I am missing, especially because most people trave alone and single.
I ma getting rather old for this caper, but hey, it probably says a lot about me that despite my ambition and desires the only way I can keep going is to plan my escape.
If only my brother were still alive, things would be different. If I had not lost him maybe it would be easier to stick to this mortal coil.
I am so sad.

Uneasy Feelings

My mystery illness sends fire through my guts and my excessive marijuana consumption clouds my head and makes it heavy.
Why is it that self medication is more appealing then actually fixing my brain? Because avoidance, cushioning, memory loss offers an easy path, confrontation and work are the alternatives to wrapping my brain in the cloud of oblivion each luxurious pull brings.
I like forgetting, I like silence and soothing stupidity. I like smoking, I like the feel of pulling poisons deep into my body, deeper then any lover.
Mr Eye confuses me and makes me eat. That old comfort food thing rears again it's ugly head. I want to be thinner and more attractive, yet feeling fat and unattractive makes me eat, hmm. Break the habit, break the mold, free myself from food.
Mr Eye behaves as though he wants me, yet lies next to me all night without a touch. I am once again spending my time with a man who wants intimacy of the mind but not the body. This time things will be different, this time I am stronger and he is not my whole life.
The Dude has taught me well the pain of unrequited love, especially between best friends. So sorry Mr Eye but this time I am not accepting friendship, I want more and I am not sticking around and desperately loving someone who does not want me.
So Mr Eye where to from here? We shall see, it is early days yet. Would it be fair to warn him of my stance? To say "no sex no play?" Best not to, the man has enough issues already. And it would destroy my carefully constructed casual attitude. Best to enjoy the ride, accept the incongruent behaviour and see where this is all leading.
Mr Eye, I did so enjoy our romp, I like the feel of you inside me, we worked well together for our mutual pleasure. Let us enjoy again or it may be the end of this. I would rather it not be a brief bittersweet affair, but it is not my choice to make, rather a joint consultation prcoess.

Confessions of a Word Nerd

This is the last post on my other "public" blog. But now I want a private site just for me and my words to hang out and be comfortable in.

So back in Australia I am yes. Somethings are unchanged, but everything is different. The eyes I look through are the same I left with, but they are changed. I think maybe I grew up a little bit; yes I know that is not hard considering my previous level of maturity.

May the Fourth be with you my friends.

I have a whole lot of nothing to say.

I am in a strange mood, it may be attributed to the head injury I recieved last night. Minor bruising and a lump caused by a CD to the head, yes I kid you not. Probably the most amusing injury since I bruised my groin playing with my poi.

Today is the day of random messages from My Space patrons. Tis the curse of joining all the available internet space things, whatever you will call them, to be public and have my photo out there for all to see. Who are these people who write to strangers based on a photo and some wanky crap about popular culture preferences? Disconnected lives crossing on the twist of optical fibres. Why do people reach out across the ether with comments for strangers they know nothing about? Is it hope or sadness that presses the hand to seek other screens and blank IP addresses to be their friends? Somewhere out there a warm body stares inot a computer screen and conjures messages to try and find another body to make contact with.

I do not know what I want. I have been so focused on getting a job, a home, shoes, clothes to wear to court, I have not stopped to decided what I want, I have just done it. So now I have a job, a home, court clothes and shoes and I am uneasy.

Since I got back I have been to Byron for Blues and Roots, contracted and recovered from face leprosy, seen many bands, had many drinks, been to a couple of parties, caught up with many friends, had so much glorious food, started poi. There is more, these are the stream of conciousness surface floaters that I am willing to share. Other more private things have happened, but they are mine until I decide I can show them to you, if I ever do.

So much has happened and yet because I am not traveling suddenly I stop writing, I still keep a journal but my public ramblings had, until now, ceased. I know this was set up as a travel journal, the whole point was to inform and entertain my peeps back in Oz, and those I know around the globe, but I like it. I am not going to stop even though I am back, and I know from my blog stats that no one is checking it anymore, so I can say what I like, tempting.

I am sure in some stupid anthropormorphic way a little corner of cyberspace has missed me, no I am not sure, I would just like to believe it. What is the shape of the internet? If all that information was incarcerated on paper and put together, how much would there be?

I will not publish this yet, maybe never. Maybe I will start a new blog where nobody knows and write all the secret words I keep for myself, the private ones that form the inner me. Somewhere to record my angsty poetry and my twisted sentence fragments, to play with language and shape it into the sounds of me. To muse about my life, my friends, my loves, my fears and hopes.

And now recording this, I realise that I have given my blog out again, there is a chance people may still be reading this, hmm, interesting timing. I like the idea of people reading what I write, hence the desire to be a writer, maybe this is why I once again find my fingers straying across the keybaord forming the sentences I leave unsaid.

Maybe I should go home and get some sleep. Maybe I should run away again, but that won't work. Maybe I should let go and drift away.

Dreams and thoughts dart like fish in a sea of words crashing through my mind.