Goodbye Mr Eye

It is tragic but true, the time to part company has come, and so soon. There are a few commitments still to be honoured, but I do not need this. No Mr Eye I do not want to be your friend, and I do not want my heart broken again.
I once again have been found lacking, I am only friend material, not good enough for a lover. I cannot really blame you, my sagging belly and cellulite are not what you expect or desire to see on a woman in her 20's. I have too many tattoos and peircings and I am a loud outspoken rude fool.
I have given up on men, or rather my ability to attract men. I am not what anyone is looking for, I am overweight and too smart and ambitious for my own good. The fact that I am fighting serious depression (which currently I am struggling to keep out of the realms of suicidal depression) and have been as long as I can remember certainly adds to my unattractiveness.
It is so hard wanting physical intimacy and love, I have so many friends but they cannot give me what I want so badly. It hurts me that it will never happen. All around me I see people making each other happy, loving each other, touching each other, enjoying each other and I am jealous and sad.
The final straw was spending a weekend with so much touching, so much staring into each others eyes and no recognition that this is not how friends behave. mi ma sick of men who have it all, me there desperately in love with them, willing ot sleep with them , providing them with emotional support and mental intimacy, while they are free to fuck who they want and pursue other better women.
I know even if I lost the weight it would make no difference, I have been thin before and still no lover, I ma just not what men want, any men. If only there was someone out there for me.
The only thing I have to look forward to is traveling again, and even then I was still depressed, just more distracted, less awareness of lovers and what I am missing, especially because most people trave alone and single.
I ma getting rather old for this caper, but hey, it probably says a lot about me that despite my ambition and desires the only way I can keep going is to plan my escape.
If only my brother were still alive, things would be different. If I had not lost him maybe it would be easier to stick to this mortal coil.
I am so sad.